Global Intifada

So I was checking out some random blogs and came across this gem entitled “The Islamicist.” Its basically an online story that satirizes Hizb e Tehrir. It gave me some good laughs. While most of the story is written in a very wry tone, following the tongue in cheek style that I see in a lot of British comedy, there are some blatantly hilarious posts that will make you laugh. Whether you love or hate the Islamists, you will definitely enjoy this reading. I hope the guy who wrote this gets a book deal. Western Muslims definitely need our own comedians that are actually funny and not heretics or people who make fun of Islam itself.

Here are some of my favorite excerpts:

“It was then that I became involved with my first Islamicist group, the Hizb-ut-Tizer (party of Tizer). They wanted to get rid of corrupt Muslim states and replace them with a superstate, based in Scotland, made from girders. They felt this would strengthen the Muslims. They successfully lobbied for a new prayer space, and we got a lobby. It became a little crowded with people passing through our prayer area, but we were happy. The Hizb-ut-Tizer had come through for us. Little did we know, we had become Hizbutized.”

——–

“We had a small focus group brainstorm. I thought of ‘Down with the Imperialistic West with its Military-Industrial Complex and Authoritarian Hegemony! Up with the All-Encompassing Benevolent Muslim Theocratic Superstate with Armed Citizen-Militia and No Standing Army! That didn’t scan well, the group agreed. The chair of the focus group then decided on ‘Putting the phat in Caliphate’ for that streetvibe connecting with the youth thing. We were tired, and brother chicken and chips wanted to get home, so we agreed.”

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“The egg of the Muslims will rise up and unite the Muslims

There are 1 billion Muslims on this planet. Those that are not living in non-Muslim lands are living in arenas of sin, drink and drugs, drugs like cannabis and marijuana. They are living in a house of homegrown debauchery, the ‘Dar-ul-herb’. Muslims are in a state of denial. The temperature is rising. We have been told to boil an egg. Who are THEY to TELL us to boil an egg? For years they have stolen our eggs! They have stolen our eggs! They have stolen our Eggs! They are the people behind the Masons, they are the Zionists, they are the Communists, they are the Far-Right. They are the Liberal! They are the Monster Raving Loonies!

The other egg stealers are the Muslim corrupt leaders who enforce strange habits on the masses. These puppets are holding our eggs. These puppets are of two kinds, those that are being pulled by strings from above, and those that are glove puppets. All of these puppets are dangerous. We did not have these puppets when there was unity. In those times, our eggs were in one basket.

So what is the solution? How do we get our eggs back? Well, the only solution is a Muslim State, based north of the border, which will unite all the eggless Muslims. These eggless Muslims have been led astray by the corrupt and deviant Sunni Extremist, the corrupt and deviant Shia Extremist, the corrupt and deviant Dictators, the corrupt and deviant Politicians and the corrupt and deviant Misguided Ordinary Man in the Street. All of the above are also decadent.

Other solutions by other Muslims will not work. The Salafis will argue the egg is taken because it has become a bid’ah. The Sufi will argue for eliminating the egg from oneself. The Shia will argue that the Mahdi will come to restore the egg. The Muslim liberals will argue that the egg was a misinterpreted out of context verse, in fact it is a phoenix. The Barelwis will build a special mosque for the eggs. The Deobandis will still not let female eggs into the mosque. Harun Yahya will argue that the egg did not come from the chicken, but spontaneously appeared. Academics will argue that the egg is merely a small incident in a long line of orientalist interpretations and further evidence of the essentialisation of the Other. And behind all of these is a mysterious malevolent controlling hand.
So what is the solution? We at the Hizb-ut-Tizer firstly, are not anti-Semetic, a fact we are obliged to emphasize since that whole court case a few years ago. Our salvation lies in our own homeland, based in Scotland, with covenants of accord with our infidel neighbours. It is they who will have egg on their faces. The state will be a fine amalgam of Scottish and Islamicistic culture. What is our solution? We do not boil eggs, we make them into halal scotch eggs! Wonderful halal shawarma meat with a creamy egg centre. The question is not how do you boil an egg… the question is how will you eat you halal scotch Hizb-ut-Tizer egg?

But this will not come easily. It requires sacrifice. We must devote all our resources to this end. And it can be done. We will not crack. We must not let the loss of our eggs distract us. In the words of William Wallace, they can take our eggs, but they can’t take away our freedom!”

Alright, I guess I’ll stop here so I don’t give away the entire story. Anyhow, mad props to the dude who wrote this. He’s hilarious! But you don’t have to take MY word for it … check it out for yo nasty self: The Islamicist!

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